Tip Off Talk

First: Greg, Good times and grinding on an Ohio State co-ed.
It’s enough to make Kobe proud.

And now, the news.
Early Thursday, dutiful workers in the “No Duh” department of the TipOff Talk Towers and Convention Center Plaza reported the Portland TrailBlazers would select Greg Oden with the first pick in the 2007 NBA Draft.

Late Wednesday, the Blazers reportedly told Oden he was their man and promptly fitted him for a jersey for the Draft Day posturing.

Straight from the “Who Gives a Flying Ford Fairlane” department of the TipOff Talk Towers and Convention Center Plaza, Kobe Bryant (that is, the L.A. Lakers) are reportedly looking to acquire Jermaine O’Neal or Marcus Camby.

And now, CSTV provides the answer to the popular question, Just how old is Greg Oden?

Here is the rumor: Minnesota to trade Kevin Garnett to Phoenix // Shawn Marion to the Celtics // Boston’s No. 5 pick and Al Jefferson to Minnesota.

Now, trade rumors are like Speedo’s — nothing good ever comes out of them.
But, we here at TipOff Talk Towers and Convention Center Plaza have an obligation to report some of them — but ONLY after publishing the following disclaimer:

Consider: Fewer than 8 percent of reported trade rumors become actual trades.

Consider: the following 6 groups of people have reasons to push such rumors —
1. Agents. Agents gain from propping up their product. If the local paper is saying Charlotte is interested in your player, it changes the way a GM views that player. Hence, the agent makes more money.
2. Media. Outside of the Draft Lottery and Draft, an NBA beat writer has a long, boring offseason — unless they can latch on to the most preposterous trade rumor and get a GM to deny it. It’s business, gets a headline and keeps the beat writer in the loving eyes of his Sports Editor.
3. Players. (see agents)
4. Teams/GMs. In big business, it is an axiom — you must keep moving to keep from getting swept away. If a GM hasn’t made a move in 18 months, that GM gets blamed for the bad stuff and doesn’t get credit for the good stuff. If you’re making moves, you are at least trying in the eyes of fans and management. If you’re signing unready kids to huge deals (see Lakers), you can always smother criticism with talk of potential.
5. Fans. Just like any other fan, every NBA nut wants to read about their team every day in the local fishwrap.
6. David Stern and the NBA. (see fans)
7. Shoe companies (see David Stern and the NBA)
8. Karl Hungus (see Bunny LaJoya)

Utah Jazz owner Larry Miller said Andrei Kirilenko “needs to grow up.”
He then added that it would be “difficult” to find someone to take on both AK’s contract and dwindling effectiveness.

With $63 million in guaranteed contract money over the next four seasons, it is easy to understand why.

Over his six seasons with Utah — his lone NBA stay — AK has started just 61 percent of Jazz games.
And that ain’t great.

Problem is, if you’re drawing nearly $16 large in Salt Lake City (that’s $192,073.17 per regular season game, Hoss), you damn well better be great. Big money demands big results.

This past season, AK averaged 8.3 points, 4.7 rebounds and 2.9 assists per game in 29.3 minutes. And brother, that ain’t great. In his career, AK averages 12.9 pts, 6.2 rebs and 2.6 ast in 31.6 minutes.

That’s a whole lot of time on the floor not making things happen.

He has blocked 2 1/2 shots per game, but that barely takes the edge off the overall production vacuum.

We burped these numbers through the TipOff Talk Towers and Convention Center professional grade abacus and found out AK was paid:
$26,969.18 for every point
$47,872.34 for every rebound
$266,949.15 for every missed 3-pointer

Stick that in your $7 beer and drink it.

And now, 6-foot-9 AK vs. a 6-3 point guard

OK. So he had a tumor.
-So that tumor pressed on his pituitary gland, resulting in an unnatural level of growth hormone.
-So what. He’s Sun Ming Ming. And he is 7-foot-9!
-7-bloody-9 — for the love of Francis Ford Coppola.
-This Chinese cowboy is three inches short of an 8-pack.

-7-foot-9, or 2.36 meters. 370 pounds or 168 kilograms.
-No matter how you stack it, that’s a lot of egg fu yung.

He has played for the Dodge City Legend of the USBL and the Maryland Nighthawks of the Premier League. He got a tryout with the Lakers, but was never drafted.

He is the world’s seventh tallest man. He’s big, slow and big. Did I mention his largeness? The man is big. SuperSized like a triple cheeseburger meal, or something. That is to say, he’s freakin’ (insert large-esque adjective of choice here).

Now show me that 2-inch vertical, slim.

The results are in. And it appears Kevin Durant needs another season at Texas.

Tested on things such as Body Fat %, Standing Vertical Leap, Max Vertical Leap, 185-pound Bench Press, Lane Agility, 3/4 Court Sprint, etc. — Greg Oden makes a mockery of K-Diddy. Kevo was the only invitee in a field of 87 who couldn’t bench 185 once. Not once.

These are just arbitrary tests of agility and athleticism. “It’s not even practice,” AI might say.
Both worked out for Portland this past week, and both got serious props for their ability.
Neither worked out for Seattle, however.

Blazers general manager Kevin Pritchard to the AP:
On Durrant: “That was as impressive a workout as any I’ve seen in here.”
On Oden: “What came out (of the workout) is that he’s a really good person who cared about how he did. He’s a unique talent. To have an opportunity to get a kid like this is a great opportunity.”

And now, FOXXY News — Fair, Balanced and Hot.

Danny Ainge and Kevin McHale speak the same language.

They should. Together, they helped some guy named Larry restore honor to Boston Celtics basketball.
Back then, during the NBA’s Golden Age, Ainge and McHale were just a couple of pie-eyed kids in short shorts.

Today, Danny and Kevin are Lord and Master (read: General Managers) of their respective front offices — Kevo in Minneapolis and Danny in Boston.

Kev wants to help Kevin Garnett get out of Minnesota. Father time is catching up with “The Franchise” and any opportunity to win in Minneapolis left with the Lakers.

Danny wants to save his job, save some money and save some face. After posting the league’s second worst record and falling to No. 5 in the draft lottery, Danny had better do something.

With no pride and nothing left to lose, Ainge pitched the following deal —— That No. 5 pick, Al Jefferson, Theo Ratliff, Wally Szczerbiak and Sebastian Telfair for Garnett Troy Hudson.

Garnett sniffed out the dank stench of desperation and appropriately nixed the deal.

Garnett’s agent Andy Miller to ESPN’s Chris Sheridan:
“The Boston trade isn’t happening. If a trade were to happen, that’s not a destination that we’re interested in pursuing.”

And now, another epic shoe commercial with no dialogue.

Reggie Wayne Theus was Sacramento’s first choice.
And at the tender age of 49, Theus is off to the California Capitol to ca$h in on some serious California Capital — three years and Six Million, to be exact.

After morphing New Mexico State from 6-24 to 25-9, the NBA veteran will attempt to resurect Sacramento. And why not? The guy has an uncanny knack for making teams better. And he has all his hair. All of it.

You go, Reggie.

Theus time is now!

Maybe there weren’t enough teenage girls to diddle in L.A. Or perhaps “Mr. Poopy Pants” was just looking for some foreign strange.

Whatever the reason, Kobe Bryant hopped a flight all the way to Barcelona this weekend to nag L.A. Lakers owner Jerry Buss about a trade. Basically, No. 8 has a mean case of LeBron envy.

Rumor has it that KoBe wants to play in Chicago, where he can score 81 points and not have to hang with Nicholson.
Basically, Kobe thinks he’s Jordan — without a gambling habit and with a felony intercourse habit.

Bryant can opt out of his contract in 2009. As such, expect Buss to seriously consider fleecing this self-important crybaby sheep for A) a decade of draft picks, B) three 15-year-old junior varsity cheerleaders and C) a pre-teen Malaysian hermaphrodite dressed as The Flying Nun.

In the “Who gives a flying Ford Fairlane” department of TipOff Talk Towers and Convention Center Plaza, The Detroit Pistons traded guard Carlos Delfino to the Raptors on Friday for Toronto’s junk second-round draft picks in 2009 and 2010.

And now, a nice groove for the Haters.

Following Thursday night’s sweep, I got to thinking — What is wrong with the NBA Finals, besides the hideous mismatch between the East and West?

The problem is simple.
Basketball is a team game and the NBA is selling a sport of individuals. And that is OK. This is entertainment, after all. Ever since Dr. J, Jordan and Kobe came along and stole the spotlight from team play, we have appetites for nothing else. Just look at the Spurs-Cavs ratings.

The NBA has made wholesale rule changes before. Illegal defense, Illegal offense, 24 second clock — all rules designed to speed up the game and create 1-on-1 situations.

Well I’ve got one more. Instead of 5-on-5, The Spurs have illustrated a need for the onset of 4-on-4 professional basketball.
The NHL does it, when needed. It spreads out the playing surface, creates passing lanes, forces teams to adopt a Loyola Marymount or Grinnell College style. It will take the bruisers out of the game and put the athletes back in it.

When the dimensions of basketball courts were originally established, there was no such thing as a 6-fot-9 point guard or a 7-foot-12 center. The court is too small for today’s game.
Play 4-on-4 and guys we expect to be great will be. McGrady. Iverson. Carter.

Go 4-on-4 in the NBA Developmental League for starters. And when the Fort Wayne D-league team starts outdrawing the Dallas A-league team with 173-172 triple overtime thrillers, you will have your ratings back. And a reason to watch

C’mon. Gimme 4!

And now, the champions of the WORLD.

Conspiracy theory runs wild in the NBA.
The root? Simple.
When two players collide in the paint, the official must do one of three things.
1. Call a defensive blocking foul
2. Call an offensive charging foul
3. Make no call.

If you are a fan, 2 of these 3 are going to make you see bias. And nothing resonates with fans more than a sense of unfairness. As a result of the charge-block-no call conundrum, everything else in the NBA loses credibility.

Which brings us to conspiracy theory surrounding the draft lottery.
Stories float around about frozen envelopes, loaded balls, bribery, misappropriation, redistricting, foot rape, cow mutilations, etc.

ESPN’s Dan Patrick had David Stern on The Dan Patrick Show on Thursday, and at 1:51 EST, Patrick tossed around ideas on how to fix this piece of percieved NBA unfairness.

On the lottery
STERN: There is really no good answer. In a perfect world, you would distribute the picks precisely with a teams record with the worst team getting the first pick.

On Dan Patrick’s notion to stage a playoff system for non-playoff teams, the winner of which gets the No. 1 pick, second place gets No. 2, and so on.
STERN: (extended pause) I knew if i stayed here long enough you’d have a good idea. We could also take the (conference runners-up) and take them around the world to play for third place. We could also adopt the European system and have the worst teams (demoted to a minor league).

So there it is.
Solved.
Now all we need is an Etch-A-Sketch portrait of LeBron James,
and the league is complete. (took 5 hours)

Tennessee legend Ray Mears — Dead.
TCU coach Jim Killingsworth — Dead.
Texas Tech coach Gene Gibson — Dead.

Some guys will do anything to get out of watching the NBA Finals.

Mears, the winningest coach in Vols history, took his dirt nap Monday at 80.
One day earlier, Killingsworth followed the bright, white light at 83.
Earlier in the week, Gibson met the Grim Reaper at 82.

Damn that Eastern Conference. Damn them to hell!

And now, the hour of your death.

They’ve lost two on the road in the most tired, boring NBA Finals in recent memory.
And though the following 5 words have never been published, spoken or even thought in this order — history is on Cleveland’s side.

Of the 24 teams to fall into a 2-0 hole in the NBA Finals, 16 have won Game 3.
Further, the Finals is a 2-3-2 format (2 road, 3 home, 2 road) for the Cavs.

But let’s be honest. I told you right here that the Cavs — down 2-0 to the Pistons — would come back and win that series. I slotted them in the NBA Finals because they were the better team with the best player.

In the East Finals, however, Cleveland lost two heartbreakers on the road by 3 points. At no point in the Finals has Cleveland looked remotely like a contender. They shot their wad. Their ship has sailed.

The proud Ohio city will hoist a Eastern Conference Champions banner with pride come next season. But this season, my friends and patient colleagues, is over.

And now, Sports Babes on the boring Spurs.

OK, so wisdom suggests a guy with a basketball blog site should leave this story alone. But the NBA Finals are the worst show ever.

The Nielson Rating ticker is in, and Game 1 between the Spurs and Cavs registered a record low 6.3 rating and an 11 share. That means, out of 110 million households in this basketball-loving nation, just over 7 million were tuned to Game 1.

Weak.

What, do you have something else better to do with your Thursday nights America? Like cut your fingernails, clean the guttars or raise your children?

Fact is, Game 1 got lower ratings than the Food Network’s “Build a Better Burger.” Lower than some kitchy show about weirdos on the SciFi Channel. Lower than the crud beneath your oven.

So, as long as the chewing gum on the bottom of your sneakers gets more attention than the LeBron vs. Texas show, TipOff Talk will now attempt to bring you relevant dirt, rumor and speculation on the sexual misdeeds of professional athletes.

And now, something entertaining associated with the New Jersey Nets.

So much for the 8-day layoff theory.

After more than one week off — buffing their bunions and watching LeBron in Hi-Def — the Spurs proved Thursday that neither rain, nor snow, nor excess rest could stop them from their appointed rounds. That is to say, they made a mockery of Cleveland’s One-Pony show 85-76.

Fact is, Neither Cleveland nor Detroit would have escaped the first round in the Western Conference Playoffs.

Name one team the Cavs or Pistons could have beaten in a 7-game playoff series. Besides the Lakers, that is. Go on. Name one.
No. 8 Warriors win in 7.
No. 7 Lakers lose in 7.
No. 6 Nuggets win in 5.
No. 5 Rockets win in 6.
No. 4 Jazz win in 4.
No. 3 Spurs win in 4 (trust me). Current odds — 7:2 against sweep Ea$y Money.
No. 2 Suns win in 5
No. 1 Mavs win in 4.

There isn’t. And if this series goes five games, I will eat an armpit hair sandwich. Mmmm. Armpit hair.

As difficult as this is to say, God loves TipOff Talk.

Let’s recap.
TOT picked the Warriors to defeat the Mavs pre-Series — the first win by an 8 over a 1 ever in a 7-game series.
TOT picked Cleveland to dump Detroit in the East finals After the Cavs were down 2-0.
Moreover, I (that is, we) told you why.

Had you bet $100 on each, as suggested, you would be $2,100 richer than you are today.

So if you can’t afford to SuperSize your Chicken Sandwich meal Monday afternoon, don’t bring your bitchin’ to the doorstep of TOT Towers and Convention Center. God is in our camp. He’s on our team.
And he has a room just beneath Paul Lambert’s Jacuzzi suite.

Shifting gears, we want to welcome back our loyal readership from the recent extended layoff. A pal had planned a wedding in Monterey, Calif., this past week.
I had 9 days to talk them out of it.
Failed.
Returned with beach photos.

And now, 45 pounds of sweat — post-game 5.