Tip Off Talk

Some teams can afford bad deals. The Yankees and their pitchers, the Knicks and their shooters, the Red Sox and their outfielders.

Some can not. Like the Utah Jazz. Problem is, Utah is on the hook for $63 Million over the next four years for disgruntled forward Andrei Kirilenko. With the league’s fifth-smallest payroll at $53M, Utah can’t afford one $16M dollar man gobbling up one-quarter of its payroll — unless that man is Duncan, Kobe or LeBron.

AK (who wears the number 47 and bears the contrived nickname AK-47) wants out of Utah. Apparently AK-47 isn’t keen on coach Jerry Sloan’s regimented coaching style and feels like a “robot.”

It was obvious then that Utah overpaid for the 26-year-old Russian. Today they are hornswaggled by their own front office zeal, stuck with a 16-million dollar shot blocker they can’t deal.

And now … Yao

(does that shirt say ‘zombie bitch?)

He’s a Bartender. A Sales clerk. A Basketball fan.
More than anything else, however, Mark Cuban is a businessman. When he and his boy put together Broadcast.com and sold it to Yahoo! for $5.9 Billion, he was a made man.

Today, he owns the Mavs — regular-season Lords of the NBA.
Stock is high. Very, very high. A savvy seller would ditch the Mavs for $600M or so, toss in another $350M and take the whole kit and kaboodle off the hands of NY owner James Dolan.

It’s the perfect storm. Cuban’s charisma, meddlesome nature and money would fascinate even the most salty New Yorker. And the media — Oh good lord, the media! They would embrace him like an onion bagel, slathering him head to toe in cream cheese.

Get out of Chicago. The MLB Frat brothers aren’t going to let you pledge, Potsy.
To the Big Apple, with you! Bring back the Knickerbockers!

And now … Mark being Mark.

The guy has charisma. This is undeniable.
Much like George W. Bush, CarrotTop and David Hasselhof, Isiah Thomas keeps his job because of his goofy, cheese-eating grin. It just so happens the guy’s job is President, Basketball Operations Manager & Head Coach of the New York Knicks.

If you or I called a coworker “bitch” or “Ho” in the office, we would be thrown out of TipOff Talk Towers and Convention Center Plaza before you could say TipOff Talk Towers and Convention Center Plaza.

It has to be the feces-filled grin.

What else could it be?
Could it be success related? Hardly. Over the past three seasons New York is 89-157 (.362), hasn’t been close to .500 since 2001 despite having the biggest payroll in pro basketball at $89 Million plus.
Could it be potential based? Pfffft. Everyone knows New York is where overpaid shooting guards and small forwards go to die. That’s why other teams can ink players such as Stephon Marbury to huge deals. If they go sour, you can always get the Knicks to pick up the tab with some preposterous trade.

Why? Dear God in heaven, why? Why does this man have a multi-million dollar job? Why does he hold the purse strings in New York, fumbling and bumbling through each and every NBA season?

It’s almost enough to make you crack the guy in the nose with Karl Malone’s elbow.

And now … the next best thing to cracking the guy in the nose with Karl Malone’s elbow —— “There’s a steal by Bird, underneath to DJ … Oh my, this place is going crazy!”

What has happened to the basic effects of marijuana these days?
Somehow, when no one was looking, someone took the paranoia gene out of the marijuana plant.

Let us explain. Please consider: Indiana Pacers Shawne Williams was driving his tricked up SUV early last week, complete with chrome, limo tint and bumping bass box.
He was A) allegedly stoned.
He was B) driving on a suspended license.
He was C) driving with an expired license plate.
He was D) driving with marijuana burning in the vehicle.
He was E) driving with a guy in the back seat who had a stolen, loaded, unregistered 9mm handgun.

What gives? What happened to the side effects of Psychotropic Herbal Remedies? Where is the paranoia, suspicion, obsessive behavior and faceless terror?

They should have found these three guys huddled in the back seat with Nachos Bell Grande and Corn Dogs somewhere in a dark corner of a parking structure in rural Indiana — not driving all mumbly-bumbly through the mean streets of Indianapolis.

Ahhhh Tetrahydrocannabinol. Where has thy paranoia gone?

And now … feeling better? (warning: controlled substance subject matter)
And now (redux) … Jesus on the Chronic.

The kid is 19, for crying out loud. Who among you is going to cheat Greg Oden out of this much-needed redshirt season?

Granted, he hasn’t been 100% healthy since junior high. But if you are going to draft teenagers right out of college, this is what you are going to get. At 19, your connective sinew is not up to the rigors of NBA life.
That said, GO apparently felt the first pangs of knee trouble while standing up off his couch.

If you live in RIP-City, take heart. This redshirt season will allow the ever-hard working Oden to focus his time in the weight room and on the sidelines learning. After one year off, he will be 20 and more prepared for NBA-style hoops.

Portland went 32-50 last season and won the draft lottery. Now, rather than chasing their tail on another lottery big man, they can go after whatever talent most befitting their scheme.

Oden wasn’t ready for the NBA anyhow. His defense would have been adequate, but his offense is lacking experience. Next year, they may get the Oden they were after in the first place.

And now … more knee surgery.

During an exploratory scoping procedure on Greg Oden Thursday, doctors found and performed surgery to correct a microfracture in Oden’s right knee.

Oden will likely miss the entire season.

This latest setback for Oden (tonsilectomy during summer league) proves the guy is not a 19-year-old wunderkind as advertised. Instead, it is quantifiable proof he is actually Robert Parrish.

Think about it. Have you ever seen Oden and Parrish in the same room? Hmmm? Have ya? Didn’t think so.

On the bright side, without the 7-foot big man and former Ohio State star in the lineup this season, Portland may yet land another lottery pick and secure league dominance for the coming 20 years. .

And now … microfracture surgery

A right knee MRI on Portland TrailBlazers big man Greg Oden revealed what may be cartilage damage. Oden will have an exploratory scoping surgical procedure this week to determine the source of the pain and the extent of the possible damage.

All this with just 2 1/2 weeks before training camp.

Earlier this summer, Oden missed the last half of the Summer League following a tonsilectomy.

And now … block art.

Simply put, Kobe says it’s time to take his ball and go to a new home — wherever that may be.

Phil Jackson has too many championship rings to count and has nothing left to prove in pro basketball circles.

According to recent reports in the Los Angeles Times, this upcoming season is expected to be the last for both in L.A.

Prior to his Hall of Fame induction last week, Jackson acknowledged this season may be his last.
Bryant appears to have lost faith in the Lakers front office, weeping and finger pointing throughout the offseason. When you’re frustrated, you often pop off and then back off. Bryant simply popped off and backed off nothing — signaling a likely split.

Also, the stock of available 15-year-old girls is running thin in Los Angeles. Kobe apparently needs the entire Eastern Seaboard to slake his teen lust.

And Now … Kobe and Ali G — Check it, West Side

Maybe something was lost in the translation. Or maybe Darko Milicic has a thing for the mothers of referees.
Whatever the reason, Milicic’s tirade following Serbia’s 68-67 loss to Greece earlier this week makes Dennis Rodman look like Pooh Bear’s little buddy Piglet. This display cost the Orlando big man $13,770 and must be seen.

And now … Darko’s sexual tension exposed. (office, child warning)

Appalachian State beat Michigan’s No. 5 football team in the Big House on Saturday. And it was glorious. Even for the stunned, staggered faithful in Wolverine blue. To lose a game to a I-AA at home in front of 100K loyalists is sweet — like a bloody lip.

The loss dropped the team out of the top 25, marking the biggest single-week freefall in the AP Top-25 Poll’s history. The team has now lost three straight and 4 of its past 5.

At last, the circle is complete.
At last, the UM football team is starting to look as bad as the Michigan basketball team.
At last, Michigan can push its academic excellence in tweed jackets instead of silly blue hats.
UM basketball, a throaty contender throughout the 80s and early 90s, hasn’t made the NCAA field of 64 (or 65) since 1998. The two years before that, UM was bounced in the first round.

Welcome to mediocrity, ye generation of vipers. Now get out of here. Go study your British Lit elsewhere.

And now … Hail to the Victors (App State, that is) …

In a new feature here at Tip Off Talk Towers and Convention Center Plaza, the Sushi Bar in the East Foyer will begin featuring the Bengal Big Roll, just like the one they serve in the Ninth Floor Arboretum Lobby. Au gratis, as always.

In addition, some of the writers have suggested we feature relatively unknown NBA players in a Best Player You’ve Never Heard Of featurette. Management agreed. A memo was sent. And here I am. Hey, its a long offseason.
So before I meet up with Ann Bancroft and Salman Rushdie for 18-holes on the TOT Towers and CC Plaza North course today, I give you Kevin Martin.
-Apparently Kevin Martin is worth $11 million per season. “Who in the hee-haw-hell is Kevin Martin,” you ask?

-Martin is shooting guard who will soon begin his fourth NBA season with Sacramento.
-Drafted out of Western Carolina with the 26th pick of Round 1, Martin played sparingly as a rookie.
-This past season, however, Martin led the 33-49 Kings in scoring at 20.2. (47.3 FG%, 84.4 FT%, 4.3rpg)
-Striking while the iron was white hot, Martin inked a 5-year, $55M deal.

And Now … Martin getting “no travel call” props from the refs — he’s finally a 3-step NBA player.

Thank you Adolf. Without your genetic manipulation in pursuit of a Master Race, the Orlando Magic would never have had the chance to land 6-foot-11 German forward Marcin Gortat.

Gortat went with the 57th overall pick in the 2005 draft and averaged 10.4 points, 5.6 rebounds and 1.1 blocked shots for the Euroleague’s RheinEnergie Koln. Orlando found a way to pry this German gem away from Phoenix this week.

And Now … Gortat follies.