Tip Off Talk

Maybe it was just someone who looked like Lamar Odom. But apparently the Lakers player ran a red light in his Mercedes early Tuesday and crashed into a Geo Prizm. Reports say the woman driving the Prizm was extracted from the vehicle using the Jaws-of-Life by firefighters.

Now, your TipOff Talk Towers and Convention Center Plaza Lock of the Night:
Dallas is a 3 1/2-point favorite at Cleveland. Take the Mavs to cover. They’ve been waiting a while to get that Golden State taste out of their mouths and match up well with the Cavs.

And now … death to the Mini Cooper.

Can I get a “Woooo” from the house?

Woooo.

Three-and-one-half short months after San Antonio defeated the Cavs 83-82 to sweep the NBA Finals, Steve Nash, Mark Cuban and the Laker girls are good to go.

The season opens tonight with Portland at S.A., Utah at Golden State and Houston at the Lakers.

Every night, TOT will give you a winner against the spread at the bottom of this diatribe. Here are the NBA Futures for the NBA title.

Without further ado, we introduce “Tipoff Talk Towers and Convention Center Plaza Lock of the Night” — Utah Jazz to cover at Golden State. Utah is a 3 1/2 point dog and should win outright vs. the ailing Warriors.

Remember, TOT fans. This is the same outfit that prompted you to take Golden State at 9:1 to beat the Mavs in the opening series. The same outfit that told you to take the Nets to recover from a 2-0 hole and beat the Pistons in the JV Finals (Eastern Conference). The same outfit that told you to take San Antonio to sweep New Jersey at 7:2.

So get on board TOT fans. After a couple weeks of answering the call, you are all invited to quit your jobs and meet the TOT staff on the first tee.

And now … Jazz fans cheer Deron Williams and boo John Stockton on draft day.

Yeah. That’s right. You heard it here first, or something.

Like any good rumormonger outfit, the far flung staff here at TipOff Talk Towers and Convention Center Plaza has unearthed recent speculation that the Wizards may be ready to deal Gilbert for Kobe.

Given his long history of being a pompous, tiresome, delusional prima dona, DC seems a natural fit for Kobe.

Similarly, given his status as an LA native, genuine smile and general up-beat nature, Old # Zero would fit in SoCal like black coffee at an AA meeting.

And now … a man who appreciates everything — rather than that other one who appreciates nothing. The man is as giddy as a Colorado school girl stuffed with Kobe.

Hey you. Yeah, you there in the replica Denver Broncos jersey and fitted Utah Jazz cap.

You with your NFL seat cushion, Angels thunder sticks and officially licensed New England Patriots helmet phone.

You, sir, are a tool. An instrument. A puppet.

And you represent everything that is wrong with the American sports fan.

You sit there on your sectional couch and cheer for total strangers. Strangers in a town hundreds of miles away. Strangers who would just as soon spit on your $470 leather team jacket as look at you.

Meanwhile in the adjacent room, the child who bears your name struggles with his math homework and self worth. Upstairs in the master bath, your wife is spending quality time with floating candles and Steely Dan.

And there you are. Alone in front of the big screen with your bean dip, light beer and sports addiction.

You are being duped. You are selling out. You are losing at life.

The mega-millionaire brigade of professional sports owners is playing you like a harp — tugging at your strings to convince you that you are a part of this.

But you’re not. You never have been. You never will be.

If you feel good when the Jazz win, you are sick. If you feel bad when the Broncos lose a fumble, you are unwell in the head.

If you say to your buddies at work, “Yeah, did you see the way WE crushed the Raiders on Sunday?” you are delusional.

Unless your name is Jake Plummer, YOU didn’t do jack, Jack. Yet you persist with this charade. Persist with this addiction.

According to Alcoholics Anonymous, if you exhibit any behavior that has a negative effect on your life, you know this and continue with the behavior anyway — you are an addict.

Hardcore fandom is a form of self abuse. But you keep buying it like any other addict, spending your money, time and love on pro sports.

In places such as Denver, Chicago and Philadelphia, emergency rooms throughout the city report a sharp rise in alleged domestic abuse admissions following a loss by the Broncos, Bears or Eagles. That, my friends, is beyond sickness. That is the criminal fallout of activated addiction.

The older the pro sports fan, the more intense this allegiance addiction seems to be.

Younger fans don’t cheer for the Redskins, Red Sox or Red Wings. Rather, they cheer for Shawn Green, Trent Green and Ahman Green.

Why? Because they play fantasy sports. And fantasy sports is healthy.

Now stay with me. This may hurt a little because education can be painful.

If you bet $100 against the spread on the NFC Championship game, you have a 50-50 chance at winning. You have NO control over the outcome.

However, if you bet $100 with 10 of your buddies and draft a team of players for your fantasy team, you have near complete control of your wager.

The more YOU study, the more YOU benefit. That is YOUR football team. YOUR baseball team. You can assign that team a name that has something to do with YOU.

To the traditional fan, this fantasy folderol sounds nutty. To the purist, fantasy sports guys are branded geeks, nerds or ninnys.

That branding defense is only natural coming from an addict. That branding defense justifies the continued actions of the sick.

In truth, managing your own team and interacting with your friends is particularly healthy. You are engaged. You have control. You have your pride.

Sick is adopting a pro team based on some random association — be it geographic, demographic or whimsical.

Sick is having nothing to do with that team, no control over its success or failure and basing your emotional well being on same.

Sick is remaining loyal in the face of strikes, lockouts and taxpayer funded arenas. You take the abuse and come crawling back for more.

Utah’s Jazz and Denver’s Broncos no more belong to you than virtue belongs to Jenna Jameson.

But you call them “my team” and say “we should have drafted Laurence Maroney” as if the whole franchise was run out of your basement.

The rush of unscripted sports entertainment is epic. There’s nothing like it. But at least make it yours.

Rather than dropping $30 on a wool cap or $1,200 on a Seattle Seahawks weekend junket, drop a little of that cash on a fantasy draft.

Take sports back from the corporate fraternity, sports fans. Watch sports on the internet scoreboard like the rest of us geeks and spend Sunday helping your boy with his quadratic equations.

Or don’t. And keep giving your love to the billionaire sports owners while your old lady gives her love to Steely Dan.

In the most devastating turn of NBA events since the retirement of Bill Walton (overstatement alert), the much-anticipated preseason game between the Jazz and Lakers in San Diego was scrapped.

Why? Because some yahoo down at the league office thinks there are more important things than roundball. And that, my friends, is sad.

In an effort to distract you from this societal sickness and brighten up your day, here’s a photo of my breakfast. Mmmm. Denver omelette face.

And now … California burning from orbit

Now the tiresome Kobe Bryant banter surrounds the Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks and Phoenix Suns.

The Suns gum flapping has to be pure poppycock. Why mess with perfection, after all?

If Robert Horry hadn’t goaded the young Suns guns off the bench in the NBA Finals (known these days as the Western Conference finals) the Suns would have had the ticker tape parade all to themselves.

And now … how a doddering old man wins a championship — with a cross-check on the Canadian.

First, the NBA denied a New York Daily News report the league had disciplined six more league referees. Then they said the league’s internal referee probe was not finished. Last, David Stern went on official record and completely junked up the previous two admissions.

Stern: “There were some violations, but they are not hanging crimes.”

OK. Fine. Whatever. But in the arena of sports officiating in the post Donaghy era, you must do more than avoid impropriety. You must avoid the appearance of impropriety.

If an intrepid reporter digs up a juicy story regarding this issue, you go with the truth and roll with it. You DON’T turn it into a damage control platform.

To David Stern, the NBA front office, et al — the time for smoke and mirrors is past. If you continue down this misdirection path, you only serve to justify our notion that this league is fixed.

It’s not the impropriety, stupid. It’s the appearance thereof.

And now … the appearance of impropriety.

Chris Webber has two basic choices. A) he can sit on the bench and watch Jason Maxiell replace him in Detroit or B) retire. Option C would be to uproot from his comfort castle in Michigan and fade away on someone’s bench outside of Detroit, an option he is very unlikely to consider.

Peter Vescey suggested this past week in the New York Post that Webber may choose option B, letting his 34-year-old frame rest for a change.

And now … C-Webb throws one down despite Barkley’s best efforts to crack the man.

Thursday morning on the ESPN Radio Colin Cowherd show: “Kobe won’t be a Laker much longer.”

OK. Well, that settles it. Whew! One less thing.

According to ESPN’s Rick Buker, the Kobe-Lakers divorce is imminent. And it makes some measure of sense. If you’re going to get Kobe, you want him for 82 games. In fact, it is already too late. Whoever gets him would want him for the duration of the preseason.

Top contenders:
Mark Cuban and that blue-and-green Texas team. Buker: “Cuban is involved already and is doing everything he can do to make that happen.”

Marty Burns, SI.com writer lists the Suns, Mavs, Nets, Celtics and Bulls as the top contenders for KB. He also says everyone on the Mavs roster is available, save Nowitzki.

And now … 81 points in 30 seconds.

Maybe he’s just a clean freak. Or maybe Kobe Bryant can’t get good janitorial help with his $22M salary.
Regardless, the guy has taken on mythic celebrity status when he was forced to deny reports he cleaned out his locker early this week.

“I didn’t clean out my locker,” Kobe told voracious Southern California reporters Tuesday. “If I’m here I’m ready to strap it up. My job is to play the game and get ready to play the game. That’s what I’m doing. I guess people are just intrigued by what’s going on around here. I understand that. I just have a job to do.”

In other Kobe related scuttlebutt, it appears No. 8 may be switching shoe contracts from Nike to Reebok. Think it through, KB. You’ll never be Jordan Light in Reeboks.

And now … Kobe’s sweet crossover misdirection play.
Family Guy - Kobe Bryant - The most popular videos are here

Gilbert Arenas’ demands are simple — Either resurrect the old Washington Bullets logo or get him the hell out of D.C.

Actually, it’s nothing that noble. The 25 year old sharpshooter thinks he’s the second coming of Kobe Bryant and - like Bryant - thinks he is the savior of some other NBA team.

Arenas to the Sporting News: “I want to test the market and test my value. It’s just a business decision. If something happens and (the Wizards) don’t want me, or they’re going in a different direction, I can look elsewhere.”

And now … Gilbert sells shoes

Due to circumstances beyond our control (namely a golf-specific junket to Sun Valley) we here at TipOff Talk Towers and Convention Center Plaza have left y’all hanging.

Thank you for your patience during this difficult and trying time.

And now … Tiger winning money off MJ.

Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry “Single Malt” Buss said Thursday he would “certainly listen” to trade offers involving disgruntled guard Kobe Bryant.

Buss to three team beat reporters: “I think you have to do that with anybody. It’s just part of the game, to listen to somebody who has a dissatisfied player. You can’t keep too many loyalties. You’ve got to look at it as a business. He looks at it the same way I look at it.”

In a related story, Kobe recently procured a complete listing of white high school girls in the greater Chicago area.

And now … defending Kobe Detroit style.

“You got guys out there playing high every night … You got 60 percent of your league on marijuana. What can you do?” - Charles Oakley, Jan. 22 2001

Duke Crews, a marginal freshman talent at Tennessee, was suspended this week after two bags of marijuana were found in his on-campus apartment.

Sounds like the kid is NBA ready, or at least due for a trip to Chaz Oakley’s place for a midnight toke.

And now … Dirk sez no to psychotropics (auf Deutsch).

It seems only a yesterday we here at TipOff Talk Towers and Convention Center Plaza were predicting the Warriors of Golden State to upset the twittering Mavericks of Dallas.

And now, following a summer properly wasted, we are back playing NBA basketball. Albeit preseason basketball, but NBA basketball nonetheless.

While all of Boston spent the afternoon watching baseball at the corner pub, the Celtics and Raptors were playing semi-legitimate ball in Italy.

Garnett hit half of his shots and finished with 19 rebounds and 16 points in 33 minutes.
Pierce hit 8-of-10 from 2-point range but missed all three of his 3-pointers, finishing with 21 points.
Ray Allen hit 4-of-13, finishing with 10 points and 4 assists.

Oh, and the Celtics won 89-85.
And now … Garnett gets T-d up Sunday for rim dangling.