Tip Off Talk

Forget all about the 19- and 20-year-olds in Seattle and Portland.

This offseason is all about the Old Timers — sponsored by Ben Gay, Depend Undergarmets and The Viagra Achievers chapter of The Shriners .

In past weeks, 36-year-old Penny Hardaway has pitched his wares at Miami, Charles Oakley believes he has some bounce in his 43-year-old legs and Boston is wooing soon-to-be 42-year-old Reggie Miller.

Then there’s PJ Brown talk in Phoenix (37) and Dikembe Mutombo chatter here and there (41). The real question is, “Who will Sex Mutombo?”

And now … Old Man Tyree (office, child warning)

Yao Ming took time out of his offseason to marry 6-foot-2 longtime gal pal Ye Li. The 7-foot-6 Yao somehow found a tuxedo for the event, tying the knot at a storied Shanghai hotel.

There is evidently no truth to reports suggesting Yao originally fell for a 4-foot-7 gal with great ball handling skills — a potential union undermined by party officials who weren’t about to poison Yao’s genetic superiority.

In related news, WNBA Connecticut Sun center Margo Dydek — all 7-foot-2 of her — continues to be happily married.

And now … 6-foot Jay Leno jams his bouffant in Margo’s pit.

Houston Rockets point guard and NBA journeyman Rafer Alston was picked up and charged with assault and public intox.

In the NBA, there are only 12 guys per team and just two rounds in the draft. That means there are a precious few (360) NBA roster spots for some 6 Billion souls on the planet (minus vampires, Dick Cheney and other undead, who have no souls).

Of those 360, about half get any significant playing time. When you’re one of those 180 — and you’re a scant 6-foot-2 and 175 — you better be AI if you’re going to go out nights, get loaded and beat people.

And now … cat fight.

Odd as it might sound, the NBA title may be decided by P.J. Brown.

Now stay with me.

As we return from the goings on in the NBA Junior Varsity Conference (Garnett, Pierce, Bobby Brown, et al), reports out of Arizona suggest the Mavs may grab PJ in order to undermine the efforts of NBA Title winners-elect Phoenix to sign the 37-year-old big man.

In the “Who gives a Flying Ford Fairlane” file here at TipOff Talk Towers and convention center, the Celtics continue to do their best San Francisco Giants impersonation by showing interest in 41-year-old Congo native Dikembe Mutombo. Old, older, oldest.

Courtesy of G-town graduate Mike James, here is a tale regarding an inebriated Deke in a Maryland watering hole: A young Dikembe, sophomore season I believe, was a very outgoing and friendly fellow. As a Congan native, Deke was inexperienced in the drinking arts. At 7-foot-2 and 260, Deke could drink like a water buffalo on the rare times he stepped out. Out bar hopping with some pals one night, Deke rose to his full height and bellowed in broken english “WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO?! WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO?!”

And now … Deke and Dubbya’s face.

In the true spirit of LA Clippers basketball, NBA veteran and Clippers big man Elton Brand ruptured his left Achilles tendon Friday during a team practice.
BEFORE

AFTER

If he recovers fully, EB will be on track to return to the team in mid January to early February.

And now … time to lose breakfast.

It’s getting so a young black man can’t get laid in peace these days.

Andray Blatche, a 20-year-old second round draft pick out of Syracuse (the town, not the school), was arrested for soliciting prostitution this week and finally got his name in the paper.

If he had gone to college, he could have had had the entire cheerleader squad on his jock twice a week — for free.


The 6-foot-11, 250-pounder is a restricted free agent with the Wizards.
Restricted my arse.

And now … “What? You said nasty.” (office, child warning)

… and by “broad fallout” we mean “widespread league ramifications,” NOT “Rachel McAdams failing to fill out her groovy purple dress.”
On the subject of the former, any move of significance in a major Eastern NBA market does two things:
A) It forces team owners, presidents and controlling partners to take a hard look at their team General Managers. In middle management, silence is death. Even if you aren’t doing something, you must make it look as if you are.

B) It gives every player in the league either Pennies Envy or Talent Envy. These are conditions Sigmund Freud described as latent desires to have sexual relations with your mother — or Rachel McAdams’ dress, whichever you can get on the floor first.

We here at TipOff Talk Towers and Convention Center Plaza have come up with the top 5 reactions to the Wolves-Celtics trade:

1) Kobe assumes the fetal position. After a day well spent macking on 15-year-old cheerleaders at Long Beach, Bryant returns home, washes the sand out of his vertical smile and turns the electric blanket up to 9.

2) The Knicks get a transfusion. Historically, New York is not Boston’s chief basketball rival. Detroit or Philly get that nod. Given the mutual disgust between the two townships, however, Isaiah Thomas will be on the hook to sign another washed-up, 34-year-old shooting guard.

3) Minneapolis residents beat their feet on the Mississippi mud. The very fabric of the Twin Cities’ infrastructure turns to dust in the post-KG era.

4) Tim Duncan yawns. Soon thereafter, Timmy Bear wipes his nose, orders a Belgian Waffle and counts his finger jewelry.

5) Detroit, Cleveland, Miami and New Jersey get ready for Round 2. When Boston secures the 5-seed with a 46-win season, one of these 4 teams will be slotted to bounce the defense-starved Celtics out of the first round.

And now … a 39-year-old Reggie Miller exposes Paul Pierce’s “defense” with a 33-point playoff beootch slap in 2005.

.First strike — The Celtics won just 24 games, losing 18-straight during one stretch.

.Second strike — Those ping pong balls left young Danny Ainge the fifth overall pick — the biggest franchise blow since Jenna Jameson’s epic phallic battle in Up and Cummers 20: Electric Boogaloo.

.Third strike — After much ado, Kevin Garnett’s agent Andy Miller told ESPN’s Chris Sheridan: “The Boston trade isn’t happening. If a trade were to happen, that’s not a destination that we’re interested in pursuing.”

.Boom, shaka lakka. Game over, man. Game over.

.The Beantown natives were getting more than a little restless.
.They were disillusioned, disgusted and liberated from their traditional self loathing with recent successes by the Pats and Sox.
.Liberated hell. These people were downright empowered thanks to the goings on down on Yawkey Way.

.And then, right out of the clear blue sky, Danny Ainge came through.
.Like Theo Epstein in drag, DA proved his mettle, his worth and his hutsba — all by signing Kevo “The Big Ticket” Garnett.

.As a result, Boston went from one of the worst five teams in the NBA’s junior varsity Eastern Conference to a team who could finish fourth or fifth in the West.

.Well done, Danny Boy. Oh Danny boy. The Union Oyster House called. You are welcome back at the old oyster bar.

.And now … an old ad for Scotch ‘n Sirloin from the glory days (poor audio).

Free agent Chris Webber has four potential suitors.

Webber played for Detroit this past season and is now a free agent. The Lakers, Mavericks, Magic and Detroit have all surfaced in the Webber lottery.

The 34-year-old F/C remains competent when healthy, averaging 11.3 ppg., and 6.7 rpg., in the defense-oriented Pistons scheme.

Problem is, Webber has never been much of an Ironman, missing an average of 28 games per season over the past four years.

So fragile is the 6-10, 245-pounder, in fact, that he has never played more than 76 games in any of his 13 seasons.

And now … the rookie Webber gets pretty all over Chaz.

If ESPN reports it, that’s one thing.

If the Associated Press reports it, you can pretty well take it to the bank.

Earlier today, the AP credited an anonymous source who had Kevin Garnett going to Boston for Al Jefferson, Sebastian Telfair, Gerald Green and Theo Ratliff.

Further updates as events warrant.

And now … KG’s block party.

Don’t mess with them at the strip club. Chances are they, or someone in their entourage, is packin’ iron.
Don’t mess with them on the court. Chances are they, or one of their teammates, will charge into the stands and beat your Mo-town ass down.

If you want to get an NBA player, get them at their Chicago home.

Just roll up in your lowered El Camino, brush your curb feelers up against their suburban concrete guttars and go.

Saturday morning, New York Knicks player Tim Curry was robbed at gunpoint by three masked robbers in his Chicago home. The resourceful trio bound the Curry family with duct tape and made off with jewelry, cash and several pairs of panties. The value of the undergarments was not disclosed.

Three weeks earlier — also in Chicago — Antoine Walker was robbed at home in a similar fashion. In the Walker case, however, a vehicle was also stolen at gunpoint. No word on missing panties. Mmmm. Panties.

And now … Panties (who are these people?).

Smush Parker turned pro in 2002.
In that time, he has played for six NBA teams — no, make that seven. Coincidence.

Over those seasons, Parker has averaged 9.4 points and 26 minutes. That’s cool for a 6-foot-4, 190-pound kid from Fordham.
He has also averaged 1.3 steals and 2.5 rebounds. OK. Not preposterously poor.

Problem is, Smush (known by his momma as William) has averaged just 2.9 assists as a POINT GUARD. The past two seasons, he even had the hard cutting Kobe “Barely Legal” Bryant to dish to.

Earlier this week, Smush signed with the Miami Heat.
Shaq, it was nice knowin ya.

And now … Who’s the point guard here? Thanx, KB.

Demon Deacons coach Skip Prosser suffered a fatal heart attack Thursday during a mid-day jog.

Prosser finished with a career 126-68 (.649) mark at Wake and produced such NBA players as Chris Paul, Darius Songalia, and Josh Howard. In Prosser’s six seasons behind the clipboard in Winston-Salem, Wake Forest went to the NCAA tournament four times and won the ACC title once. He also coached Division-I ball at Xavier and Loyola.

And now … better times at WF. Thanks, coach.

Fine. Tim Donaghy is a cad. Whatever. Call him a name and get past it.
The chief casualty in the Timothy Donaghy story is you and I — folks who enjoy a good debate on basketball’s numerous judgement calls.

That was yesterday. This is today.

From now on, every time we see a curious call, we will be thinking FIX!

Charge vs. block.
Foul vs. blocked shot.
Three steps vs. two.
Rookie calls vs. veteran calls.

All gone — thanks to a penny ante schmuck official.
Pardon me while I stick my finger down my throat.

And now … it’s enough to make you puke (wait for the end)

Tim Donaghy is an admitted gambling addict.
Tim Donaghy is an NBA official.
Tim Donaghy is apparently the new Pete Rose.

The 13-year NBA official is currently under investigation by the FBI for affecting betting lines in games he was working.

Know this: this is not an indictment. This is not a subpoena. This is a report of an investigation only.

If true, it makes the Black Sox scandal in Major League Baseball look like small potatoes.

We will wait and see. In the meantime, NBA commish David Stern said the following to the Associated Press regarding the investigation
“We would like to assure our fans that no amount of effort, time or personnel is being spared to assist in this investigation, to bring to justice an individual who has betrayed the most sacred trust in professional sports, and to take the necessary steps to protect against this ever happening again.”

Sounds like the guy knows something the AP doesn’t, eh?

And now … what Donaghy deserves IF it is true.