Tip Off Talk

The results are in. And it appears Kevin Durant needs another season at Texas.

Tested on things such as Body Fat %, Standing Vertical Leap, Max Vertical Leap, 185-pound Bench Press, Lane Agility, 3/4 Court Sprint, etc. — Greg Oden makes a mockery of K-Diddy. Kevo was the only invitee in a field of 87 who couldn’t bench 185 once. Not once.

These are just arbitrary tests of agility and athleticism. “It’s not even practice,” AI might say.
Both worked out for Portland this past week, and both got serious props for their ability.
Neither worked out for Seattle, however.

Blazers general manager Kevin Pritchard to the AP:
On Durrant: “That was as impressive a workout as any I’ve seen in here.”
On Oden: “What came out (of the workout) is that he’s a really good person who cared about how he did. He’s a unique talent. To have an opportunity to get a kid like this is a great opportunity.”

And now, FOXXY News — Fair, Balanced and Hot.

Danny Ainge and Kevin McHale speak the same language.

They should. Together, they helped some guy named Larry restore honor to Boston Celtics basketball.
Back then, during the NBA’s Golden Age, Ainge and McHale were just a couple of pie-eyed kids in short shorts.

Today, Danny and Kevin are Lord and Master (read: General Managers) of their respective front offices — Kevo in Minneapolis and Danny in Boston.

Kev wants to help Kevin Garnett get out of Minnesota. Father time is catching up with “The Franchise” and any opportunity to win in Minneapolis left with the Lakers.

Danny wants to save his job, save some money and save some face. After posting the league’s second worst record and falling to No. 5 in the draft lottery, Danny had better do something.

With no pride and nothing left to lose, Ainge pitched the following deal —— That No. 5 pick, Al Jefferson, Theo Ratliff, Wally Szczerbiak and Sebastian Telfair for Garnett Troy Hudson.

Garnett sniffed out the dank stench of desperation and appropriately nixed the deal.

Garnett’s agent Andy Miller to ESPN’s Chris Sheridan:
“The Boston trade isn’t happening. If a trade were to happen, that’s not a destination that we’re interested in pursuing.”

And now, another epic shoe commercial with no dialogue.

Reggie Wayne Theus was Sacramento’s first choice.
And at the tender age of 49, Theus is off to the California Capitol to ca$h in on some serious California Capital — three years and Six Million, to be exact.

After morphing New Mexico State from 6-24 to 25-9, the NBA veteran will attempt to resurect Sacramento. And why not? The guy has an uncanny knack for making teams better. And he has all his hair. All of it.

You go, Reggie.

Theus time is now!

Maybe there weren’t enough teenage girls to diddle in L.A. Or perhaps “Mr. Poopy Pants” was just looking for some foreign strange.

Whatever the reason, Kobe Bryant hopped a flight all the way to Barcelona this weekend to nag L.A. Lakers owner Jerry Buss about a trade. Basically, No. 8 has a mean case of LeBron envy.

Rumor has it that KoBe wants to play in Chicago, where he can score 81 points and not have to hang with Nicholson.
Basically, Kobe thinks he’s Jordan — without a gambling habit and with a felony intercourse habit.

Bryant can opt out of his contract in 2009. As such, expect Buss to seriously consider fleecing this self-important crybaby sheep for A) a decade of draft picks, B) three 15-year-old junior varsity cheerleaders and C) a pre-teen Malaysian hermaphrodite dressed as The Flying Nun.

In the “Who gives a flying Ford Fairlane” department of TipOff Talk Towers and Convention Center Plaza, The Detroit Pistons traded guard Carlos Delfino to the Raptors on Friday for Toronto’s junk second-round draft picks in 2009 and 2010.

And now, a nice groove for the Haters.

Following Thursday night’s sweep, I got to thinking — What is wrong with the NBA Finals, besides the hideous mismatch between the East and West?

The problem is simple.
Basketball is a team game and the NBA is selling a sport of individuals. And that is OK. This is entertainment, after all. Ever since Dr. J, Jordan and Kobe came along and stole the spotlight from team play, we have appetites for nothing else. Just look at the Spurs-Cavs ratings.

The NBA has made wholesale rule changes before. Illegal defense, Illegal offense, 24 second clock — all rules designed to speed up the game and create 1-on-1 situations.

Well I’ve got one more. Instead of 5-on-5, The Spurs have illustrated a need for the onset of 4-on-4 professional basketball.
The NHL does it, when needed. It spreads out the playing surface, creates passing lanes, forces teams to adopt a Loyola Marymount or Grinnell College style. It will take the bruisers out of the game and put the athletes back in it.

When the dimensions of basketball courts were originally established, there was no such thing as a 6-fot-9 point guard or a 7-foot-12 center. The court is too small for today’s game.
Play 4-on-4 and guys we expect to be great will be. McGrady. Iverson. Carter.

Go 4-on-4 in the NBA Developmental League for starters. And when the Fort Wayne D-league team starts outdrawing the Dallas A-league team with 173-172 triple overtime thrillers, you will have your ratings back. And a reason to watch

C’mon. Gimme 4!

And now, the champions of the WORLD.

Conspiracy theory runs wild in the NBA.
The root? Simple.
When two players collide in the paint, the official must do one of three things.
1. Call a defensive blocking foul
2. Call an offensive charging foul
3. Make no call.

If you are a fan, 2 of these 3 are going to make you see bias. And nothing resonates with fans more than a sense of unfairness. As a result of the charge-block-no call conundrum, everything else in the NBA loses credibility.

Which brings us to conspiracy theory surrounding the draft lottery.
Stories float around about frozen envelopes, loaded balls, bribery, misappropriation, redistricting, foot rape, cow mutilations, etc.

ESPN’s Dan Patrick had David Stern on The Dan Patrick Show on Thursday, and at 1:51 EST, Patrick tossed around ideas on how to fix this piece of percieved NBA unfairness.

On the lottery
STERN: There is really no good answer. In a perfect world, you would distribute the picks precisely with a teams record with the worst team getting the first pick.

On Dan Patrick’s notion to stage a playoff system for non-playoff teams, the winner of which gets the No. 1 pick, second place gets No. 2, and so on.
STERN: (extended pause) I knew if i stayed here long enough you’d have a good idea. We could also take the (conference runners-up) and take them around the world to play for third place. We could also adopt the European system and have the worst teams (demoted to a minor league).

So there it is.
Solved.
Now all we need is an Etch-A-Sketch portrait of LeBron James,
and the league is complete. (took 5 hours)

Tennessee legend Ray Mears — Dead.
TCU coach Jim Killingsworth — Dead.
Texas Tech coach Gene Gibson — Dead.

Some guys will do anything to get out of watching the NBA Finals.

Mears, the winningest coach in Vols history, took his dirt nap Monday at 80.
One day earlier, Killingsworth followed the bright, white light at 83.
Earlier in the week, Gibson met the Grim Reaper at 82.

Damn that Eastern Conference. Damn them to hell!

And now, the hour of your death.

They’ve lost two on the road in the most tired, boring NBA Finals in recent memory.
And though the following 5 words have never been published, spoken or even thought in this order — history is on Cleveland’s side.

Of the 24 teams to fall into a 2-0 hole in the NBA Finals, 16 have won Game 3.
Further, the Finals is a 2-3-2 format (2 road, 3 home, 2 road) for the Cavs.

But let’s be honest. I told you right here that the Cavs — down 2-0 to the Pistons — would come back and win that series. I slotted them in the NBA Finals because they were the better team with the best player.

In the East Finals, however, Cleveland lost two heartbreakers on the road by 3 points. At no point in the Finals has Cleveland looked remotely like a contender. They shot their wad. Their ship has sailed.

The proud Ohio city will hoist a Eastern Conference Champions banner with pride come next season. But this season, my friends and patient colleagues, is over.

And now, Sports Babes on the boring Spurs.

OK, so wisdom suggests a guy with a basketball blog site should leave this story alone. But the NBA Finals are the worst show ever.

The Nielson Rating ticker is in, and Game 1 between the Spurs and Cavs registered a record low 6.3 rating and an 11 share. That means, out of 110 million households in this basketball-loving nation, just over 7 million were tuned to Game 1.

Weak.

What, do you have something else better to do with your Thursday nights America? Like cut your fingernails, clean the guttars or raise your children?

Fact is, Game 1 got lower ratings than the Food Network’s “Build a Better Burger.” Lower than some kitchy show about weirdos on the SciFi Channel. Lower than the crud beneath your oven.

So, as long as the chewing gum on the bottom of your sneakers gets more attention than the LeBron vs. Texas show, TipOff Talk will now attempt to bring you relevant dirt, rumor and speculation on the sexual misdeeds of professional athletes.

And now, something entertaining associated with the New Jersey Nets.

So much for the 8-day layoff theory.

After more than one week off — buffing their bunions and watching LeBron in Hi-Def — the Spurs proved Thursday that neither rain, nor snow, nor excess rest could stop them from their appointed rounds. That is to say, they made a mockery of Cleveland’s One-Pony show 85-76.

Fact is, Neither Cleveland nor Detroit would have escaped the first round in the Western Conference Playoffs.

Name one team the Cavs or Pistons could have beaten in a 7-game playoff series. Besides the Lakers, that is. Go on. Name one.
No. 8 Warriors win in 7.
No. 7 Lakers lose in 7.
No. 6 Nuggets win in 5.
No. 5 Rockets win in 6.
No. 4 Jazz win in 4.
No. 3 Spurs win in 4 (trust me). Current odds — 7:2 against sweep Ea$y Money.
No. 2 Suns win in 5
No. 1 Mavs win in 4.

There isn’t. And if this series goes five games, I will eat an armpit hair sandwich. Mmmm. Armpit hair.

As difficult as this is to say, God loves TipOff Talk.

Let’s recap.
TOT picked the Warriors to defeat the Mavs pre-Series — the first win by an 8 over a 1 ever in a 7-game series.
TOT picked Cleveland to dump Detroit in the East finals After the Cavs were down 2-0.
Moreover, I (that is, we) told you why.

Had you bet $100 on each, as suggested, you would be $2,100 richer than you are today.

So if you can’t afford to SuperSize your Chicken Sandwich meal Monday afternoon, don’t bring your bitchin’ to the doorstep of TOT Towers and Convention Center. God is in our camp. He’s on our team.
And he has a room just beneath Paul Lambert’s Jacuzzi suite.

Shifting gears, we want to welcome back our loyal readership from the recent extended layoff. A pal had planned a wedding in Monterey, Calif., this past week.
I had 9 days to talk them out of it.
Failed.
Returned with beach photos.

And now, 45 pounds of sweat — post-game 5.

Yeah, I know. The Nets are down 0-2. But it’s not like the Jazz being down 0-2.

And when the smoke finally clears on the NBA Eastern Conference finals, the Nets will be champs of the East developmental leauge.

The LeBron dogpile is a little bit embarassing. For you, not LeBron.
Damned if he does, damned if he don’t — LeBron is crucified for both passing off and taking the clutch shot.

What is being missed here, you dogpiling twits, is that Jersey had legitimate chances to win BOTH of those games — on the road — against the East’s best. It should be 1-1 and could easily be 2-0 Jersey.

In a game of bouncing balls, all you need is a chance. When you’re on the road in the Conference finals, any single digit deficit in the final minute is a victory of sorts. Pyrrhic, perhaps. But a victory nonetheless.

While the Blame Gang challenges the 22-year-old LeBron’s guile, grit and game over two 3-point losses, they also plant the seeds of change. If the games are that close in Detroit, what are the NJ home court crazies going to bring to the next two?

Trouble. Big MoTown trouble, that’s what. Jersey in 7.
He passed.

Holy lopsided, Batman!
As if the Western Conference didn’t already own the East’s jock.
Now, both Oden and Durant are headed to the Pacific Coast, stacking the west like Wendy Whoppers in a lawn chair.

Like I said before, get the Celtics out of Boston. Bostonians don’t like them Shamrock types anyway. Or the Jewish types. Or immigrants of any kind (including themselves). Or their fathers. Or their brothers. Or their dogs. Or their barbers. Or their outfielders. Or their goalie. Or … (message edited due to 451 Press database memory constraints).

Get them Four-Leaf-Clover wearing Celtics out in Vegas where they belong. Just think of the explosion in sales of rabbits feet, rosary beads and Lucky Charms breakfast cereal.
After all, what city is more lucky than Vegas?

Can’t think of one. New Orleans, maybe? Crawford, Texas, perhaps? Baghdad? Kirkuk? Mosul? Basrah? Najaf? Fallujah? (message edited due to 451 Press database memory constraints).

OK, So this doesn’t have anything to do with the draft or Beantown bigotry and self loathing. But I nearly wet myself watching it (wait until the end. It’s worth it. Shades of Chris Farley)

Like no other sport, the NBA draft changes franchises.

With fewer than 400 professional grade athletes on the planet, the NBA and structure of basketball yield an overall talent advantage over any major sport.
The MLB has 30 teams of 25 for 750 top players.
The NFL is even thinner with 1,440 among 32 teams.

The NBA has less than half at 360. And 4 out of 12 rarely take off their sweatpants. That leaves 240 actual players who decide games.

Enter Greg Oden and/or Kev Durant.

Both are ready to contribute today, and both deserve 25-30 minutes on the court opening night. After all, there are official NBA jerseys to sell.

And that, my lovely readership, is the caveat.
In baseball, most No. 1 picks putter out or get injured before working their way through the 2-to-3 year minor league training program.
In football, most No. 1 picks get arrested smoking dope with Pac-Man and Chris Henry.

Even if a baseball or football top pick makes the show, they’re unlikely to stay around for more than 3 or 4 years.

In the NBA, top picks make franchises — especially this year.

Memphis and Boston won 46 games combined this past season. Portland won 32.
With Oden clogging and flogging in the paint, Portland will win 50 and be a middle Western Conference seed.

With the 4 and 5 picks, respectively, Memphis and Boston will be hard pressed to win 60 combined.

Imagine, if you will, a marriage — A marriage between the United Methodist Young Adult Bingo Club and the A/X Armani Exchange-Chicago.

Now, imagine this marriage was fruitful. Imagine the Bingo and Suit union produced an offspring, writhing and pawing in its own afterbirth.
Stay with me.

That offspring is the NBA Lottery show — the annual attempt for Davy Stern and the NBA owners to discredit NBA conspiracy theorists.

That show, my friends and colleagues, is tonight.

Bouncy colored balls.
Greying, balding team reps and General Managers picking nervously at their white collars.
Slimy agents with gold bracelets, running their hairy fingers through their fake, black hair.

Beautiful.
And it’s sure to get better ratings than Part Deux of the Jazz-Spurs Massacre of ‘07.
Tune in. ESPN. 8:30 p.m. Eastern.
See you there.